What We Teach Our Kids About Friendship Starts With Us
For many who grew up in an Asian household, the idea of friendship was often secondary to academics, family duty, or achievement. Friends were nice, sure—but not necessary. And “best friends”? Sometimes they were quietly discouraged in favor of broader, more neutral relationships. Love your cousins. Be polite. Don’t get too close, don’t share too much.
But here’s what we’ve learned, and what we now get to teach our kids:
Friendship is more than just playdates or group projects—it's a skill, a value, and a source of lifelong resilience.
What is a Healthy Friendship?
A true friend sees your child for who they are, not just how well they perform.
They don’t compete, they connect.
They don’t control, they care.
They don’t ghost, they grow—with your child, through time and missteps and forgiveness.
As Parents, We Can Ask Ourselves:
What did friendship look like in our own childhoods?
Were we allowed to talk about friendship struggles—or were we told to “just ignore it”?
What messages did we receive about loyalty, boundaries, or being “too sensitive”?
By reflecting on our pasts, we model for our kids that friendship isn't about perfection—it’s about presence, practice, and repair.
Teaching Friendship Skills: What’s Actually Helpful?
Instead of saying, “Just be nice,” try:
“Ask them what they like to do—you might have something in common.”
“It’s okay if you don’t click with everyone, but we can still be kind.”
“You’re allowed to say no and still be a good friend.”
Friendship skills are social-emotional skills. That means they’re taught, not just absorbed. They need space to form, fumble, and flourish—with our support.
Practice Conversation Starters
Help kids build confidence in starting or continuing a conversation:
“Hi, I noticed you like [thing]. I like that too!”
“Do you want to play together at recess?”
“What are you building? It looks cool!”
Even socially shy or anxious kids can benefit from rehearsing these ahead of time.
Talk About Friendship “Green Flags”
Kids understand “red flags” when we explain them—but let’s also name what healthy friendship looks like:
They cheer for you when something good happens.
They say sorry when they hurt your feelings.
You feel calm and happy after hanging out with them.
Ask your child: “How do you feel after being with them?” That question alone builds emotional insight.
Teach That It’s Okay to Outgrow Friends
This one’s hard—for kids and adults. But we can normalize it:
“It’s okay if someone who used to be close feels more distant now.”
“Sometimes people grow in different directions. It doesn’t mean anyone failed or is bad.”
Modeling this early helps protect self-worth when relationships shift later.
Encourage Problem-Solving, Not People-Pleasing
Instead of telling kids to “keep the peace” or “just say sorry,” we can offer scripts for self-advocacy:
“I don’t like it when you say that. Can you stop?”
“I want to play too. Can we take turns?”
“That hurt my feelings. Let’s talk about it.”
This helps build boundaries and assertiveness, especially for kids who default to avoiding conflict.
Don’t Over-Rescue
When our child says, “My friend was mean,” it’s tempting to fix it. But instead, try:
“That sounds really hard. What do you want to do next time?”
“Do you think they were having a tough day, or is this something that keeps happening?”
“Do you want advice or just someone to listen?”
This builds emotional resilience—and reminds your child that their feelings matter.
Model It Yourself
Our kids watch how we treat our friends, how we speak about others, and how we resolve conflict. Let them overhear you say things like:
“I was feeling overwhelmed, so I told my friend I needed a day to rest.”
“I apologized to her because I realized I hurt her feelings, even if it wasn’t on purpose.”
“I love that I can be myself around them.”
And Yes, We Deserve Friendship Too
Sometimes, parenting can feel lonely—especially when you’re bridging cultures or healing generational wounds. But adult friendships matter just as much.
We deserve friends who listen without judgment, who ask how we're really doing, and who remind us: we’re not raising kids alone.
